So… what’s the latest…?
Um, nothing.
Not a damn thing.
I’d never really (REALLY) understood what it meant to live
in the moment… but man, if the past two months have taught me anything it’s
that that is exactly where I want to be. I don’t want to be two minutes ahead
or behind - I’m just trying to appreciate the life in front of me. Honestly,
anything else just isn’t important.
So after our horrible, terrible slew of bad news in mid-May,
I decided we needed an injection of LIFE. So I bought some sea kayaks.
Kayaks. Kayaks? Well
we’ve been meaning to get a pair for years (I mean, we live ON the coast) but
we just never wanted to spend the money. But vacation was looming and since we
didn’t know what was happening re: baby news, we hadn’t made any travel plans.
So screw it, I figured, vacation is now kayaking in our ‘hood. We bought a
couple used ones on ebay and paddled around and it was nice. We’ll keep them
and go out occasionally when good weather and weekends coincide. Yeah they’re
huge and we’ll have to rig a hoist to store them in the garage but whatever. Kayaking
makes me happy. Know what else makes me happy?
Being a nerd.
After babyfail #2, I decided to go back to school online to get a professional
certificate in the type of teaching I do. It’s a graduate-level program from a
top-rated university with reasonably well-credentialed instructors and I think
it’s safe to say I’m CRUSHING it. The other day I cited five sources including
two scientific papers in my blog/discussion/forum post thingy (which is a proxy
for an actual class discussion) because… um, it was interesting. It’s making me
feel so much more engaged and stimulated and just interested in my job. When
this course is over next summer I can seriously see mtself signing up for
further certificate programs in complementary areas. Does it make my schedule a
bit more of a juggling act, sure – but whatever. Being smart makes me happy.
Other “new” things that I’m doing these days for no other
reason than, I feel like it?
- Meeting neighbors for coffee. Yeah, some of it’s related to networking and some of it’s just venting with friends. But it comes with a croissant and I know myself well enough these days to know that talking to other human beings makes me happy.
- Saying no. No, we work a shifted schedule and don’t want to meet at for breakfast at 9am (sorrynotsorry). No, we don't really want to go to visit you in freezing cold Oregon just because you’ll let us stay there for free. No, you’re not my therapist anymore because frankly, you’ve been phoning it in for the last year and I’m tired of being irritated every week by the sucking sound in my wallet. No, I’m blocking those groups (or anyone for that matter) on facebook that posts a single image of an abused animal. Nope, nope, nope nope. No, I really don’t want to have that work meeting on a Saturday because it’s what we’ve always done. I don’t care what we’ve always done. This year, I’m spending time with my husband in a location and time of our choosing because it makes me happy.
- Doing nothing (well, my version which is being still & reading). I can do nothing by the hotel pool, in the hammock, in the evening… frankly any damn place I choose. And doing nothing may extend to fertility stuff too. Because we’re frankly fucking tired and listening to someone scream while I change her diaper at 3am sounds like a complete nightmare right now. Because rest makes me happy.
- Being outside. Go for a hike on our anniversary and get horrible swamp ass and love it. Sit on the porch at sunset and marvel. Watch the dog bounce around the lawn and marvel. Just being out of doors because it’s FINALLY warm and it’s pretty and just the fact that it wasn’t like this for six long months makes me happy.
- Avoiding drama. This one’s hard when you have a friend who’s dying and you’re staring down the busiest month of the year at work. (Just today four colleagues came into my office – simultaneously – to complain about how much work they have. I politely asked them all to leave so we could all do, um, WORK.) And I’m trying to recognize that there’s only so much I can do when a friend’s dying. A mutual friend begged plaintively last week, “but what can we doooooo….???”
Um, nothing, I said.
Not a damn thing.
It’s going to happen and it’s going to be terrible and we’ll
help if/when we can but this is their family and their decisions. And my
husband and I probably won’t get a child. And it’s all just terrible. And this last
item doesn’t so much make me happy… but I just named about 7 things that do.
And that’s something.
