Stick a fork in us

Yeah we’re done. No more surrogacy. I’m not going to try to carry one of the embryos. And no, we’re not pursuing adoption – international or otherwise.

I’m sure many people in our lives will question this decision. But believe me: it was arrived at through much deliberation and the overwhelming gut feeling that this is the right – nay, only – reasonable choice for us at this point.

I could go into all the reasons for our decision but they all boil down to the desire to limit risk. Our lives are actually pretty full and trying further reproductive interventions and/or raising a child is more than we're willing to take on now.

How do I feel? Well, as my students would say, I have all the feels:

Grief: this blows.

If we’d been successful when we started trying to have a kid, we’d have a 7 year old right now. I like 7 year olds. They’re lovely.

Contempt: this blows.

20-20 hindsight is a bitch. I often wish had the last year of my life back and had never wasted all this hope on a fruitless process.

Anger: this blows.

We’ve had an absurd amount of disappointments at this point. Not fair. Everyone else who’s had it easier can suck it.

Fear: this blows.

We are so isolated. We barely have any family and now we’ll have no kids and our closest friends are dealing with terminal cancer.

Optimism: this might not blow.

We can travel and spend money and time on ourselves and won’t have to deal with more sadness and disappointment.

Love: this might not blow.

I have a wonderful husband who I adore and get to focus all my love and attention on. I know I have his unconditional support.

Acceptance: this might not blow.

I have a fascinating new career that I can now fully devote myself to that helps people and makes me feel fulfilled.

Surprise: this still blows.

Realizing I no longer want something I thought I always wanted makes me feel hypocritical and lazy. After everything we’ve been through, kids seem too hard. We’re exhausted. And THAT’S why we’re done.