honestly, baffled

August: wife of best friend dies

Mom: I’d like to get her something – what do you think she could use?

Me: I don’t know but I’ll ask. Thinks to self: oh, I dunno, a housekeeper, driver, nanny…

Me (to best friend): hey there, my mom wants to buy you something – anything you need?

Friend: Actually… you know what… I would like to go do a spa day with you to rest & relax.

Me (to mom): She said a spa day. Don’t know if that’s what you had in mind but it was the first thing she mentioned – and she doesn’t usually ask for things.

Mom: Sounds like a great idea!

September: horrible visit to parents’ house

Mom: So what spa do you want to go to?

Me: Um… I have no idea. I don’t know a lot about spas. I know there’s one near her house – you could try there?

Mom: Well I don’t know about spas in your state! What do you want to have done?

Me: Thinks to self: bullshit, you lived here for 30 years and you go to spas all the time. Well… I guess just a day-package type thing. Can’t you just do a gift-certificate?

Mom: Well I don’t know what you want to do. You have to tell me.

Me: Let’s just table the idea. I don’t really have time to research this right now since I’m helping her find therapy and other basic needs.

Mom: Well let me know when you have time to look into it.

Me: Um… if it’s YOUR gift, shouldn’t YOU look into it?

October: emails from hell

Mom: I was just thinking about the spa idea for you two.  Let me know when you decide on a place that works for both of you.
Me: OK. Here are 3 spas near her house. Just pick whatever you're comfortable with.
Mom: I have been doing a little investigating of the places you have suggested for a spa day. Are you thinking of trying to do this before you have your surgery on Nov. 11th?
Me: Thinks to self: um, that’s not my surgery date…
Mom: One place, while I'm sure is lovely, is out of sight price wise. The other place, not surprisingly, because it is a day spa, is much more reasonable. I can do a gift certificate online for two packages.  It sounds like this is what I can afford right now. I have a lot of charity expenses right now, too, but I think I can swing this.  Thanks to Uncle Sam and my Social Security checks!

Me: Um… if you can’t afford this, you aren’t obligated to do this. I’m sure my friend forgot we even talked about it; she has so much on her mind.

Mom: Well, it is too expensive, but I will honor the commitment I made.

Me: Okaaaay….? Also, it’s very unlikely we’re going to fit this in before my surgery. I’m only free 1 of those weekends and we both have so much going on right now I don’t want to pressure her to fit it in if she can’t.

Mom: Well do you want to call her and make a plan?

Me: Not really. She’s struggling with getting laundry done and making the kids’ lunches right now. I don’t think scheduling this is a top priority at the moment. We’ll do it eventually.

Mom: Well I wanted to get her something she can use now. I guess just let me know when you want to do this and I’ll order the gift certificate online.

Me: Thinks to self: well that’s clearly not going to happen. And who cares what YOU wanted. YOU didn’t think of something, and she didn’t ask for that.

And. Scene.

you have GOT to be kidding me...

Hmmmm.

So I stumbled upon this website a while back while researching ACE’s (Adverse Childhood Events). Because someone like me who has a host of Axis I diagnoses and a glaring Axis II diagnosis, is pretty much likely to have a pretty ugly ACE score. And as I read the website it described, well, me. I have somatization up the wazoo:

• IBS w/complications
• CFS w/myalgia
• Insomnia
• Migraines
• Telogen effluvium
• Eczema
• Scoliosis

Some even argue that my chronic UTI’s and even my Raynauds Disease could somehow be related (poor self-care and low-grade autoimmune symptoms respectively).

But as I mentioned in a recent post, I have to have a hysterectomy in about a month for a new problem: adenomyosis. Initially, I assumed that this had nothing to do with any of the above. Still, it was kind of annoying that it was another illness that would be pretty difficult to discuss in public: “oh yeah, I’m taking next week off to have my uterus removed since its lining is trying to grow into my musculature!” Not really water-cooler talk. But it wasn’t a psychiatric or even psych-related diagnosis so I was kind of happy about that. (You know what a bitch mental illness is when it’s a treat to have a regular-person illness.)

But then I was talking to the husband the other night about the cause of adenomyosis. Essentially, endometrial tissue is part of one’s immune system. And there are theories out there linking its occasional freakout to autoimmune disease. (Oh, did you catch that part about the flu-like symptoms? I DID.) And from an epidemiological standpoint, people with my cluster of somatizations are much, MUCH more likely to develop adenomyosis. 

So here’s my PSA for the week:

Hey parents! Don’t scare the shit out of your kids - especially the kinda sensitive ones. They’ll be traumatized and that trauma will cause a LIFETIME of health problems - oh and probably reduce that lifespan to boot. So, you know, maybe try to chill the fuck out when you’re together. 

FFS...