Where's the fire?

Ok, we’ve officially been back on the east coast for one full year. Hooray. As it always is with these things, sometimes it feels like it’s been only a couple of months, sometimes it feels like much, much longer.

I had a lot of goals for this year – things I wanted to accomplish, changes I wanted to make. And I accomplished a LOT of them:

• We bought (and moved into) a house in a cool little town
• I made some new friends
• I found two good therapists
• I moved my piano here and started practicing again
• I found a new job that I like and that pays well
• We switched to all eco-friendly cleaning products
• We got to know (and spend time with) our 2 year-old nephew

And when I look at that list – it looks like a LOT! Big stuff too. So, why is it that I only focus on the goals I haven’t accomplished?

• I wanted to get down to Manhattan and see old friends
• I wanted to travel (visiting my parents doesn’t count)
• I wanted to volunteer and become active in the mental health consumer community
• I wanted to hike and bike and paddle and get outside
• I wanted to finish my book
• And join a choir
• And eat local and healthier
• And, of course… I wanted to exercise more

I see other people doing these things I want to do and I get jealous. And then, instantly, I switch and judge myself. I call myself lazy. And then I try to do more.

Sometimes, I think it’s great that there’s so much I want to accomplish in this life. I’m glad that I’m passionate and engaged and have so many interests. And sometimes, I think I just need to RELAX. What is the big, fat rush? I’m only 33. I’ll get around to everything. Maybe it’s a vestige of being suicidal for most of my life.