Maybe I should just invest in some earplugs

You see… we have this annoying neighbor. I fantasize daily about writing an anonymous note, creeping over under cover of night and leaving it on her door. The problem is, I can never decide what kind of letter to write. It’s becoming a way for me to gauge how ill-tempered I am at any give time… like an anger litmus test. The more irritable I am, the meaner this fantasy letter gets. I start obsessing about the most effective wording, the right turn of phrase that will put her in her place. Here’s today’s versions:

• Angry (7am):

What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you so loud? Were you raised in a barn? When you talk on your balcony we can hear EVERY WORD you say – you’re only standing five feet from our living room window, bitch!

Also, I think all the drugs you’re taking have completely destroyed your hearing because you seem to think you need to scream into your cell phone. How do I know you’re taking drug? Um, everyone knows! Since you don’t seem to care about privacy, we’ve all overheard your recent fall off the wagon and visit from the police. Yesterday, we all listened to your ex bang on your door while yelling: “Sue, wake up! You can’t do this to your little girl. If you keep this up, you’re never going to see her again. When you sober up, you better get your shit together!” Nice. Really nice.

How can you even afford your apartment anyway? My husband and I have five college degrees between us and you seem like an uneducated loser! We pay A LOT of rent so we don’t have to live with garbage like you. Thanks for making us feel like white trash every time we come home.

Oh, and by the way, normal people are usually sleeping at 6:30am. I know you have a little kid, but there is this amazing thing called a door. Close it!

Idiot.

• WASP-y (11am):

Dear Neighbor:

I’m not sure if you’re aware, but we’ve been disturbed lately by the noise coming from your apartment. When you’re talking on your balcony, the sound of your voice bounces off the two buildings and is amplified. Because our two buildings are quite close together it sounds as if you are standing in our living room. Naturally, during the day, we understand that you and your daughter have every right to use your balcony. However, if you could keep your voice down at night and early in the morning, we’d appreciate it.

Finally, we have all noticed that you have been going through some substance abuse problems lately. I’m sure you’d appreciate some privacy as you deal with these issues. We would appreciate it if you used some discretion and refrained from exposing your neighbors to this kind of negative influence.

Sincerely, a concerned neighbor.

• Friendly (3pm):

Dear Sue,

My name is Juniper and my husband and I live in the apartment directly across from your balcony. (We own the little grey cat who’s always sitting in the window!) I’ve noticed you and your little girl moved a few months ago and I haven’t had the opportunity to introduce myself.

We happen to overhear your conversations quite a bit and I noticed that you’ve been having a hard time lately. If you ever want to go to a meeting together, just let me know.

Take care,

• Scared-y: (one that I’m actually going to send)

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