It was March 26, 1990 and we were in the car driving towards Hartford. I kept trying to convince myself to jump out of the car onto the highway. After a while, we passed the courthouse. I recognized the nice part of Hartford near the symphony and the museums. Then there was a long, tall brick wall on the left side of the car. When it stopped, we were at the entrance to the hospital. There was a gatehouse and all I could think was: why are there two guards? Directly in front of us was this gigantic, white building. It looked ancient, with steep rooflines and creepy dormers poking out in awkward places.
It is so dark in here, I thought as we walked into the sterile, white lobby. An intake nurse appeared out of the dark hall. She asked us every conceivable question. My parents answered most of them so I examined the cracks in the ceiling and wondered how the hell this had happened.
- - - - - - - - -
Earlier that morning, I woke up thinking I was going back to school after my spring break. It was the first day of spring term. I was pulling my new blue, plaid dress over my head when my mother and father came into my room. Both of them are taller than me, I thought, as they drew closer.
"Juniper, you're not going to school this morning. We're going to New Haven. You're going to go see the school's psychiatrist." They must have known about this all night I realized.
"But it's the first day of school and I don't want to miss my classes. They give out all the important stuff on the first day. What time do we have to go?" They said eleven o'clock. "Ok, so I can still go to my first three classes. Can't I just go and then you can pick me up in a couple of hours. School is on the way to New Haven." My father's eyes relaxed as he considered this. I knew he liked to optimize his time.
"Ok, fine. But you have to be waiting in front of the student center when we pull up at ten-thirty. We're trusting you here." Whatever, I thought as my mind raced.
On the way to school, I tried to remember where my friends would be at this time of day. For the first time in my life, I skipped my classes and looked for anyone who had a free period. Finally, I ran into a girl in my class.
"Heather, can you do me a favor? When you see Brooke, can you tell her that my parents are dragging me to go see the school shrink and I don't know if I'm coming back?"
“Oh wow… that sucks. No problem.”
I ran down to the arts center. My advisor wasn't there but I almost ran smack into another teacher. I told her what was going on and that I needed to see my advisor.
"Oh honey…" she said. I’m not coming back, I thought as she gave me a hug.
We made it to the doctor’s office on time. He and I went into his office and left my parents in the waiting room. Why was he wearing cowboy boots? I kept picturing him in a ten-gallon hat as we talked and I decided I didn’t care much for him. He wanted to know how frequently I thought about suicide.
What’s your unit of measurement, I wondered? I guessed and said every five minutes or so. I was just too tired to lie. I wanted this to be over. He nodded, got up, and asked my parents to come in.
"In my opinion, Juniper needs to go to the hospital immediately. She is at great risk of hurting herself sometime in the near future." My mother was crying and I didn't know why. This seemed like what we’d all been wanting. I pictured the hospital as a large Victorian house where I would have my own room and be able to sleep as much as I liked. I would have a break. "Locally, the hospital she would go to is…” My father cut him off.
"Actually, a friend of mine is on the board of directors at The Institute of Living in Hartford. We can probably get her in there." The doctor nodded in approval. Back at our house my mother wouldn't let me go to my room. She made me lunch and watched as I didn't eat it. My dad came in and said that it was all arranged. We’d leave in an hour so he and I went upstairs to pack. I was filling up my green, monogrammed duffel when I heard him crying. I didn't know what to do so I tried to cheer him up.
"Dad, it's ok. I'm going to be fine. I'm not upset. Don't get so upset."
“Ah… Juniper… you don’t know what this is going to be like.”
- - - - - - - - -
When the intake nurse finished with her paperwork, she called for someone from the adolescent unit to come get me. Two men in white scrub suits entered. They told me to come with them, my parents would join me later. We went to the end of the hall and entered a dingy back stairwell.
It was at that moment that I realized my mistake. I shouldn’t be here.
Why was there was water flooding the steps? A leak, they told me. We exited into an underground tunnel lined with dull yellow tiles. Tunnels linked all the buildings, they said. Every so often the tunnels connected and there was a series of locked doors. I had to get inside the vestibule and the men wouldn't open the next door until the last one was locked. Who they hell did they think I was, some dangerous criminal? Finally, we ascended another stair to a blue-carpeted hallway. At the end of the hall there were two desks and two locked doors. A nurse pressed a loud buzzer and I flinched. And then we were on the unit.
Tomorrow: Part II
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