I have no life.
No, seriously. Right now, I have NO life. My job is now officially over. Slowly, my relationships with my various therapists are winding down. I’m still cultivating the few friendships I want to keep when I leave the Bay Area, but the rest I’m letting go to pasture. My gym membership has ended and there’s no sense in renewing it just for a month or two.
(Granted things will probably get busier when we decide where we’re moving. I’ll have a new job title: Vice President in charge of moving, planning and anxiety.)
But right now, I don’t know what to do with myself. I’ve watched more movies this week than I have in the past month. I got my annual physical. I’m trying to become the housewife I’ve always failed at being. This morning, I even packed my husband’s lunch. I got the car tuned up. I’m even considering digging out our ironing board. Pretty soon I might have to crack open a novel.
Don’t get me wrong… the irony is not lost on me. When I’m busy, I want to have more free time. When I have free time, I look for things to keep me busy. Apparently, the damn grass is NEVER green enough to satisfy.
And once we’ve moved, I will have even less of a life. For a while (at least) I won’t have any work, therapists, support groups, routines… friends…
So I’ve been thinking a lot about what kind of life I WANT to have. I know I shouldn’t complain. Lots of people would kill to have the kind of flexibility I have right now. Some would consider it a luxury to have this opportunity; to redo every aspect of their lives would seem… inviting.
But for me… I think about starting over, and I start to feel really inadequate – like I just don’t have a lot going for me. I wonder if I’m just getting by with my mediocre life, telling myself that it’s ok I’m not contributing much. I was sick for a few years and HAD to take it easy. My husband is going to get this new job and THEN I’ll get my life in order.
But. When I see how flimsy my life really is, I wonder if the future will hold any personal or professional success. I know that most people don’t have perfect lives, yet I can’t help but compare myself to those around me. It just seems like everyone I know has a more impressive sounding career or personal life than me. It’s probably not true, but that’s how it feels.
So I start questioning every decision I’ve ever made. Maybe I should stop tutoring… maybe I should go back to architecture… I know that’s probably not the answer, but at least I’d feel like I had a “title” that defined me when I introduced myself: “Hello, I’m Juniper the fancy, important architect… the one with a life?”
2 comments:
All I can say is....I sympathize. I felt pretty disoriented when I was homeless, jobless and directionless for 4 months. I know that a part of me wanted this one type of career and that lent some shape to my job searching, but since I was a) soooo not having success in that area and b) super desperate for any kind of income - I spent a good portion of my time questioning eveything in my life. Who I was, what I wanted, what I should be given my age and education, second guessing old decisions (you know the ones).
Now that I can look back on it I realize that I was just all messed up because of the stress from the uncertainty and because I kind of need a job to help define me. I can see how I overreacted to certain things because I viewed them through a lens of self-doubt and frustration. I think I'd handle similar situations differently today. We've talked about this before when I recognized this in myself but since then I've seen it in other people too so it's not just me. I think what you are going through is totally normal and also that it will go away once things get moving.
As for feeling like other's lives are more exciting sounding than your own, I can relate to that too. I had a roommate in grad school (you know, the one who hates me now) who had a way of making what she did sound fabulous and what I did sound so....boring and useless. Once, when we were interviewing for a house-sitting position, the owner of the hosue asked what we do and my roommate replied "Oh, I work on the chicken pox and new vaccines for it, Betty works on fruit flies". So. Totally. Not. True. yet also not a lie - just a wicked oversimplification that worked in her favor.
Anyway, I worried then I was working on the wrong thing, I worried afterwards that quitting was a bad idea, I worry now that I'm in the wrong job. I would really like to start just accepting some things about my life because that seems like it would be more peaceful. But it's really very hard that while part of me feels like I am not living up to my potential, another part of me checks that and says "are you sure? maybe this is all you can do...think about that". It sucks.
juniper,
the grass is always greener, that's all i've got to say. everyone i know from college is married and having kids. me? i'm single, no kids. career, sure. but when i come home at the end of the day? well, that's when i compare myself to everyone else and start to feel like the choices i've made have been the wrong ones. not really, but we all have our moments of weakness.
you are stronger than you think. i've always known that about you. you'll get through this.
girlMD
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