So I got myself some employment… and instantly became BUSY. (hence the lack of blogging in recent days).
I kinda had to get some part-time work – unemployment was eating holes in my self-esteem. I don’t wanna work full time but it turns out, I gotta do SOMETHING or else my head starts to feel all bored and slosh-y.
Getting the jobs was easy to the point of being embarrassing. Basically, I sent my resume to six Craigslist ads for tutoring positions. A DAY later, five of them wanted to hire me. It took the 6th a couple of weeks to read their email and then they wanted me too. This of course, made me feel completely proud and guilty and conflicted all at the same time. (Ah black and white thinking, my dear old pal… what would I do without you.) It’s nice to be wanted but getting a job shouldn’t be that easy! I’m left assuming that all those Ivy League words on my resume are doing the heavy lifting – and not me. (Cue the impostor syndrome.)
But could I just take one job and be satisfied? Oh no, I had to pick two. It’s like I’m “controlled by [a] Puritan Lady, some witch of industry who lived inside us, kicking us with her buckled shoes, making maniacal demands: every minute had to be accounted for, an arrow aimed at a target.” Also, It turns out that I’m a sucker who can’t say no. Must. Please. Everyone.
So, on Monday & Wednesday afternoons I’m tutoring at a non-profit charter school in the “inner-city." On Tuesday, Thursday & Friday afternoons I’m teaching at a for-profit, boutique tutoring center in a fancy suburb that provides tutoring from a psychological perspective.
The Monday/Wednesday job has been good for the soul. It's only a two hour commitment each day and I get to feel like I'm doing good - helping kids who really need it. On the other hand, it's a bit depressing. These inner-city kids are SO behind and I feel like my little interventions can only make a tiny dent. At least the student I’m paired with is finally starting to look at me like a human - not a very pale, alien, life form.
The Tuesday/Thursday/Friday job has been almost the polar opposite. Most of the kids I’m working with have limitless resources. AND they’d love to fill up all my free time. I'm supposed to work for four hours on Tuesdays & Thursdays and attend a staff meetings and professional development lectures for a couple hours on Fridays - only about a 10-hour commitment… right? But, add a couple of extra hours of training a day and last week I was working almost 20 hours. I mentioned that the Monday/Wednesday job ends in December and they’re already planning to fill up those days too.
It’s flattering that they want to spend all that time developing my skills and selling my services to clients but…
Do I let on that I have a mental health disability and can’t do everything? If I tell them I have a disability, I open myself up to possible discrimination and judgments. If I don't tell them I have a disability, I worry that I'll come across as this slacker dilettante who only works part time because her husband keeps her in bon-bons and daytime TV. (ok granted, I DO watch a lot of daytime TV...) I know I shouldn't disclose my diagnosis in some settings but sometimes I feel like people just won't SEE the real me unless I do. I know that this is probably the reverse of how people with other disabilities see the issue but then again, with mental illness, people can't see your broken bits.
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