New Jersey in January. Lovely.

I promised yesterday that I’d mention my impending trip to NJ. Since Law & Order: Criminal Intent is coming on in twenty minutes, I’ll try to be brief. (Oh don’t worry, I’m gonna do a post about my insane crush on Vincent D’Onofrio’s character someday. How can you help but love “Edgar Suit?”)

So I’m not real excited about going to NJ in January.

When I talked to my dad this weekend, he invited asked me to come. He’s retiring at the end of January and his company is throwing him a dinner/roast to celebrate. (I should probably mention… my dad’s a Big. Wig. He’s the president of a company with almost $30 billion in assets. Yes. That’s billion, with a B. It’s a LONG story.)

So he asked if my husband and I would come to his party.

“It’s the sort of thing where people’s families usually come.” He said.

“Hmmmm” I stalled. “I assume mom is flying out from NM, right?”

“Yes, your mother is probably coming. Even though she’s making a face right now.” Yeahhhh…

My husband bowed out. He has four job interviews (4 now!!) in January and February. One is near home, but the other three are on the east coast. There may be more interviews that we don’t know about yet. The NJ trip would be just too much. But that doesn’t mean I can’t go…

I talked to my doctor about this on Monday and he and I agreed that I’d probably wind up going. But since I really don’t want to go, I’ll just resent going the whole time I’m there. My doc “challenged” me to feel good about my decision.

“It’s one of those 60% yes, 40% no kind of decisions.” He said. “This isn’t a nice and easy one where you know what you should do. So it’s good practice for you - to feel good about making a choice, sticking to it, without beating yourself up for it later.”

Yeah. Great idea doc. Sounds fun.

So here’s the pros and cons of going on this trip. What would YOU do?

CONS

• My dad’s been a real jerk to me in the past. His abuse is part of what caused my mental health problems. Does he deserve any kindness from me?
• My dad’s chosen work/career/power/success over his family 9 times out of 10. Because he neglected his family, doesn’t he deserve to sit there at his retirement dinner alone. I don't want act like we're all a happy family just so his colleagues think he's normal.
  
• It’s a long-ass plane trip just for one corporate dinner. And plane ride = virus.
• I’m going to spend all next week with him.
• As a Christmas gift, I’m going to go to NM this winter and spend a long weekend helping him set up his woodshop. (He wants to do woodworking in his retirement) So I’m going to see him a lot in the near future.

PROS

• He’s going to pay for the plane ticket. Having to pay to fly people to your party seems kinda sad to me… and pulls at my sympathies.
• The inheritance. The one he’s going to leave me. The really large one. I don’t want to piss him off too much. (Trust me. I realize how truly HORRIBLE that sounds. Still… it’s something that’s always in the back of my mind.)
• I can easily get the time off of work & I can probably squeeze in a visit to see a few friends in NYC.
• My dad hasn’t always been a dick to me. He’s paid for my education, my wedding, and some of my psychiatrist bills. And he’s even occasionally nice.
• My dad has almost no family. There’s my husband, my mom and me. He has no siblings, no other kids, no grandkids (yet), nobody else. And that’s sad. His choice, but still sad.
  
• It’s pretty mean (but totally typical) that my mom’s not even pretending to want to go, like I am. I feel sorry for him.
  
• My dad is self-made. He worked hard to get where he is and I have benefited from this. This should be recognized.
• My dad is not in great health. He's only 60 but has very serious heart disease. He may not be around for that long.
  
• I’m not a mean and spiteful person. I’m still really angry with him but deep down, I don’t want to hurt him.