Not so underlying veneer of anger

I've been reading the records I requested from my hospitalization back in 1990. I thought I'd share some of the more interesting tidbits. These are the notes that the therapists made back in 1990 about my participation in group therapy. Aren't I just the little ambassador from planet Borderline Personality:

3/28 – Needed encouragement to participate. Juniper remains aloof in group. When prodded she discussed in an intellectual manner feelings of being alienated from her parents and pressure, self-induced to perform in school. She tends not to give feedback to other group members who seem hesitant to take her in.

4/4, 9, 12 - Needed encouragement to participate. Reserved and guarded for the most part. When prompted, she spoke of how anger is expressed (directly and indirectly) at home, and how words/actions are directed at her, often in a painful way. Still depressed and seemingly preoccupied.

4/16, 18, 19 – Was passively non-participatory. Quieter and more introspectively oriented this week. Silent unless prompted by group leaders, as a rule. With two exceptions: Able to identify with male peer (with whom she sees a similar “superficiality” and distance from peers.) and with female peer (her roommate and one who has been physically and emotionally disengaged from group since her admission.) Still seems sad as a rule. Underlying veneer of anger towards self and others.

4/23, 25, 26 - Needed encouragement to participate. More involved this week. Speaking on two occasions about balancing parental and societal pressures with own wishes to individuate/emancipate. Separation anxiety evident. Acting more as “leader” of group and its super-ego actor. Confrontational (nicely) towards peer who elicits negative attention.

4/30, 5/2, 3 - Needed encouragement to participate. Productive week in group for Juniper: able to talk of balance in her life between trying to conform to parents’ wishes and develop her own life and goals (as student). Joined group discussion of how anger can safely be expressed and how to learn to reveal true feelings (along with advice and disadvice of same). More visibly anxious, and sillier. Able to say that she has a “a lot” on her mind. Better connected with peers but still prone to reticence and talking in vague “code.”

5/7, 9, 10 - Needed encouragement to participate. Angry and dripping of sarcasm this week, with anger directed towards peers and co-leaders. Resents having to use hand-held point card and unwilling to see that her frustration is analogous to other situations in which she must submerge freedom of choice (e.g. with her parents). Regression.

5/14, 16, 17 – Refused to participate. Juniper was noticeably sullen, angry, withdrawn this week. She became embroiled in an argument with a female peer about how each labels the other and thus excludes each other from the group. Some distancing from peers, mutually. Defensive, reflexive sarcasm. Notably quiet and remote afterwards.

5/21, 23, 24 – Juniper participated in group discussing problems with unit rules and staff. Her tone continues to be quite sardonic and she directs much hostility towards group co-leaders. Little ability to reflect on her guardedness and hostility. She did provide good feedback to a peer who has similar difficulties to her own regarding the futility of ruminating over the point system.

6/11, 13, 14 – Was more relaxed and talkative in group this week. She contributed to a constructive discussion regarding the reason for the group scapegoating a male group member. Talked about leaving hospital and plans for summer camp and school. Denies suicidal ideation but acknowledges fears about discharge. Acknowledged connection with group but left group on her final day with a statement that she felt “ignored in group.”

There's a classic book about Borderlines... "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me." Sounds like me during this period. But honestly, what did they expect? Leading group therapy for mentally ill adolescents is like juggling cats. Everyone's a little too pointy.

By the way... how can a veneer be underlying? A veneer is a surface treatment... I always knew that therapist was a doofus.