Then when I got home, my husband and I talked some more about our visit with my parents. I started thinking; this is what we do when we get back from visiting them… we conduct an investigation into my parents instigations. We compare notes: What did they say to you? Did they bother you? Did they give you a hard time about anything? Are you OK? Did they provoke you?
But this visit was so brief… I didn’t think was anything much to discuss.
Oh… I was wrong. There’s always something to discuss. This evening, my husband filled me in on a conversation he had with my parents. There was one hour on Sunday when I was out of the house (I went for a swim) and that’s when this conversation happened.
My parents were asking my husband how I was doing. At least, that’s what they said. But it was just another typically weird conversation, my husband said. There were three weird things about it:
1. It seemed like my parents’ real motivation in asking about my mental health was to figure out how it would affect them.
2. They asked him about what I’m getting from reading the old records I ordered. (my records from my hospitalization at age 15) My husband said that it seemed like my parents wanted to chalk the whole incident up to me being a difficult and defiant teen.
3. My mom commented AGAIN on how “grown-up” I seemed during her visit last month. She said that I talked less about my illness and seemed more focused on her well-being.
My husband's theory is that my mom resents me. A lot. Basically, when I was born up, I stole all the attention away from her. Especially my father’s attention. (He and I get along a lot better than the two of them do.) So when I get sick, she gets annoyed because I steal even more attention away from her. To her, my illness means I’m immature and childish.
I know this sounds a little harsh. I know there’s a lot of alternate explanations for my parents’ behavior. Maybe they really care about my health, you might be thinking. Sometimes I feel guilty for even thinking these things about my mom.
That’s the REALLY difficult part.
My mom rarely says anything really overtly mean… (although when her back is up against a wall, she says the most venomous things!) All her “concerned” comments can usually be interpreted in a variety of ways. It’s more the WAY she says these things. There’s NEVER any real feeling or emotion behind what she says.
So what my husband says… it feels right. He also said this:
“The reality is,” My husband said. “You’ve been grown up for a long time. And you’ve always been a considerate person.”
But what a mind fuck… to have your own parent always trying to convince you of the opposite. It's what causes Borderline Personality Disorder.
By the way, here's the differences between the words (I like looking up the history of words. I find the origins tell you more than the definitions!)
Instigate
1. to cause by incitement; foment: to instigate a quarrel.
2. to urge, provoke, or incite to some action or course.
from the latin: "instīgātus or instīgāre": to goad on, impel
the root of the word is "stīg": to goad, prick, dig (simmilar to stigma or stick)
Investigate
1. to examine, study, or inquire into systematically; search or examine into the particulars of; examine in detail.
2. to search out and examine the particulars of in an attempt to learn the facts about something hidden, unique, or complex, esp. in an attempt to find a motive, cause, or culprit: The police are investigating the murder.
from the latin: "investīgātus or investīgāre": to follow a trail, search out, dig.
the root of the word is "vestig or vestigium": footprint, token, trace, hint
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