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First, a quick illness update: We’re both still sick. My voice has improved from a squished mouse to a heavy smoker choking on a clarinet. At 3:26am last night, my husband started coughing so loud that he woke up the neighbors. I’m not exaggerating. He’s going to the doctor tomorrow, thankfully. Maybe someday, if we ever get a decent night’s sleep, we’ll get better.

In other news: My boss called today to chat. He wanted to know how I’m doing… where my stress level is.

Sigh.

I like having a nice boss that I can be honest with, but I can’t help by feel that it’s incredibly unprofessional that he has to worry about one of his employees like this.

I told him that I was feeling less stressed. I mean, how could I not??!! In the little over two weeks since I tried to quit I have avoided work by:

1. Going to Santa Fe for five days
2. Coming back during the Thanksgiving holiday week
3. Getting sick for over a week

Everyone (ok, mainly my therapists) has been telling me that it’s ok to take a lighter load when you’re sick. But honestly, it feels like I’ve been throwing off my responsibilities left and right. I think I’ve spent more time this week feeling guilty than I actually have recuperating.

I start to wonder if maybe I’m just lazy. Maybe I could be doing more work, I think. I’m not THAT sick. It’s not like I have a high fever or anything. Maybe I’m just milking this for all it’s worth, just using this cold to indulge in even more avoidant behavior.

“Juniper!” My doctor said this morning. “I think if you were milking it, that would be progress! I’d say, good for you! We’re trying to get you to take better care of yourself, remember?”

Oh right.

I’m not so good at that. I used to try to ignore kidney infections. When I went in the hospital in 2003, I told the doctor that he didn’t have to wean me off the Paxil. I had a high pain tolerance and thought I could handle it. Oh yeah, and that strep throat a few years back. No matter how much I drank, the whiskey just didn’t kill the bacteria. Every so often in college, I’d decide that sleep was no longer a requirement for me. It was usually a sign of trouble.

Being kind to myself is kind of… a novelty for me. It seems like a cute idea but isn’t a basic necessity. Like something you’d find on QVC.