Thursday, November 30, 2006

Self Respect, now with FREE Super Saver Shipping

First, a quick illness update: We’re both still sick. My voice has improved from a squished mouse to a heavy smoker choking on a clarinet. At 3:26am last night, my husband started coughing so loud that he woke up the neighbors. I’m not exaggerating. He’s going to the doctor tomorrow, thankfully. Maybe someday, if we ever get a decent night’s sleep, we’ll get better.

In other news: My boss called today to chat. He wanted to know how I’m doing… where my stress level is.

Sigh.

I like having a nice boss that I can be honest with, but I can’t help by feel that it’s incredibly unprofessional that he has to worry about one of his employees like this.

I told him that I was feeling less stressed. I mean, how could I not??!! In the little over two weeks since I tried to quit I have avoided work by:

1. Going to Santa Fe for five days
2. Coming back during the Thanksgiving holiday week
3. Getting sick for over a week

Everyone (ok, mainly my therapists) has been telling me that it’s ok to take a lighter load when you’re sick. But honestly, it feels like I’ve been throwing off my responsibilities left and right. I think I’ve spent more time this week feeling guilty than I actually have recuperating.

I start to wonder if maybe I’m just lazy. Maybe I could be doing more work, I think. I’m not THAT sick. It’s not like I have a high fever or anything. Maybe I’m just milking this for all it’s worth, just using this cold to indulge in even more avoidant behavior.

“Juniper!” My doctor said this morning. “I think if you were milking it, that would be progress! I’d say, good for you! We’re trying to get you to take better care of yourself, remember?”

Oh right.

I’m not so good at that. I used to try to ignore kidney infections. When I went in the hospital in 2003, I told the doctor that he didn’t have to wean me off the Paxil. I had a high pain tolerance and thought I could handle it. Oh yeah, and that strep throat a few years back. No matter how much I drank, the whiskey just didn’t kill the bacteria. Every so often in college, I’d decide that sleep was no longer a requirement for me. It was usually a sign of trouble.

Being kind to myself is kind of… a novelty for me. It seems like a cute idea but isn’t a basic necessity. Like something you’d find on QVC.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Dumbstruck

I have laryngitis. I can barely talk. This isn’t very compatible with my job.
1. I can’t answer the company phone.
2. I can’t teach.
3. I can’t participate in meetings.

Sigh. I don’t even feel that sick today. My voice just sounds like a mouse that’s being stepped on. I’m just trying to catch up on email.


But that’s not what I wanted to write about tonight.

I watched the movie “Proof” again last week. (Thanks to my many hours riding the couch of illness)
The movie is based on the Broadway stage play by David Auburn. A brief synopsis: Gwyneth Paltrow plays a daughter who has curtailed her math studies to take care of her aging father. The father, played by Anthony Hopkins, is a brilliant mathematician struggling with an unnamed mental illness. After her father dies, she begins to deteriorate into depression and her own fears that she’ll inherit her father’s illness. Fearing the same thing, her sister misreads her eccentric behavior as the early signs of madness. At the same time, a young colleague befriends her and discovers an impressive new math proof in her father’s office. Paltow’s character claims she wrote it but nobody believes her. After a while, she starts to doubt it herself.

To say that I identified with this move would be an understatement. It didn’t help that when this movie came out in 2004, everyone kept telling me that they thought I looked like Gwyneth Paltrow. Um… I do not look like her. We both have long blond hair. That’s it. Otherwise, she’s probably about half the size of me. Apparently, the only time there’s a remote resemblance is when she’s playing a sleep deprived, unwashed mentally ill nerd.

And then there’s the math part. Once upon a time, when I was 15, I accidentally wrote an original geometry proof. It’s a long story, but suffice it to say that I answered a problem on a pre-calculus test in a way that my teacher had never seen before. (BTW: I failed the test.) Anyway, I spent the next year teaching myself calculus and trying to prove my theorem. Why did I do this? I thought it would be cool to have a theorem named after me. Turns out, it was a corollary to an existing theorem. I never learned enough math to finish or publish it.

When I first saw the movie, I was struck by how confused Paltrow’s character becomes. She should know whether or not she wrote the proof. But when everyone doubts her, she grows confused. You can see her mind go around and around. Did she write it or is she just crazy? I really identified with that. If there’s one feature of my illness that annoys me (and my doc) the most it’s my distrust of my diagnosis. Sometimes I get confused – I can’t really TELL if I have a mental illness… what if I’m just smart enough to convince everyone?

And that’s the thing that struck me when I saw the movie again last week. Madness IS made more complicated by intelligence. When you’re highly competent (or intelligent) the disparity between your highs and lows becomes confusingly large. One day I’m a successful architect and the next, I’m dissociated and nearly psychotic. One day I can write a math theorem and the next, I’m in the throws of depression, fantasizing about suicide. There’s a certain… unreal quality to this. How can these two extremes exist in one person? Surely, it must be an illusion, a deceit or trick of my mind. I must be faking it.

It’s hard to say which extreme feels crazier... When I do something really mad like cutting myself or getting lost in my own mind, it feels kind of familiar. Almost predicable. But when I do something competent, like conduct myself professionally or fix some problem at work… THAT seems foreign. I’m supposed to be the crazy lady. How come I just got offered that promotion? Did that really happen? I must be imagining it. It’s a delusion. Commence the internal debates. Cue the confusion.

Sometimes, I think it might be easier to be a bimbo. That way, when I did something dumb, at least I’d know it was real.

Monday, November 27, 2006

A pox upon our house. A never-ending, annoying, icky pox.


Alternate title for this post: Ode to a Grey Couch

Saturday the 18th:
My husband came down with a cold. (He probably got it from the coughing guy sitting behind us on our flight to Santa Fe.) My husband almost never gets sick so we assumed that it must be a pretty a bad bug. Thus, I assumed I’d probably catch it soon enough.

Tuesday the 21st:
I still wasn’t sick. (Even though my husband’s coughing had worsened to resemble a cross between a foghorn and a moose.)

Wednesday the 22nd:
Finally, I woke up feeling… phlegm-y. I stopped by the drug store and picked up some Airborne and Cold Eaze. By noon, I thought I might have a low-grade fever. So, I called the student I was supposed to tutor that afternoon, apologized, and cancelled. I drove home, took some DayQuil, climbed on my couch, and prepared to rest. When the DayQuil kicked in I felt… not that bad. I figured I’d feel rotten the next day.

Thursday the 23th:
We slept in until noon… but I didn’t feel that bad. Still, I didn’t feel fantastic and I figured I was probably pretty contagious. So we lay low all day and watched more TV.

Friday the 24th:
More of the same. I slept until 9:30, tutored for a few hours, and then came home. I didn’t feel that bad… but I didn’t feel that good. We decided to brave the day-after-Thanksgiving crowds and go see “The Queen” at our local art-house theater.

Saturday the 25th:
We slept in late again. Still not that sick. A lot more TV. Maybe I’m getting over this, I thought. If I had to be semi-sick, at least it happened on a long weekend when it wouldn’t screw up work too much. Not fun timing, but convenient.

Yesterday, Sunday the 26th:
I’m sick. My throat hurts. I’m congested. I’m tired. Fan-freakin-tastic. I sleep until 11, tutor for a few hours, and come home. I dig out the cough drops and resort to… more TV. I even watched half of a Hallmark movie last night.

Now I’m starting to feel guilty. I’m becoming a lazy slug who lives on her couch. I’ve had almost five days off and I feel like I’ve gotten very little accomplished. My house isn’t cleaned. I’m not done with my holiday shopping or cards. I feel like I’ve watched WAY too much TV in the past two weeks. Even before we got sick in Santa Fe, we watched a Star Trek marathon (the 60’s version) and all three Star Wars movies back-to-back one night. Too much more of this and my brain is going to start oozing out my ear. Someone will come to my door and ask for my college degrees back.

Today:
I wake up at my normal time of 7:30am. I am now Sick. Capital S. I sound hoarse. My nose is congested and my stomach feels queasy – full of a night’s worth of post-nasal drip. I shower and stumble out the door at 9:05 – a full twenty minutes late. I manage to get to my psychiatrist’s office only three minutes late. It’d been two weeks since our last visit so I really wanted to be there. My doc seemed happy to see me. (Actually, he seemed amused by my weakened state. He told me I sounded out of it… like I’d had a few drinks!)

I tried to make use of the full 50 minutes but after 45 minutes – I was toast. My wonderful grey couch was calling to me. I got back in the car, grabbed my cell phone and canceled everything else I was supposed to do for the rest of the day. I drove home, lay down on my couch and promptly fell asleep for four hours. My husband came home, we ordered a pizza, and now we’re watching a movie.

If this keeps up, by Friday, I’ll be out of bed (or off the couch) for only about 30 minutes a day.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

The searches keep getting stranger

Recent searches that led people to this site:

Some were medical related:
- Dermatologist in Mazatlan
- pregnancy topical "benzoil peroxide"
- using proactiv when you're pregnant
- pregnant using proactiv
- hospice care columbia,south carolina

Some were psychology related:
- object relations
- positive aspects of stress
- do borderlines run away intimacy
- dialectical behavioral therapy bay area
- psychiatrist denver
- help me god to taper off ambien
- dbt and zen
- united behavioral health and palo alto

Some were Volkswagon related:
- 2001 vw polo epc warning light
- epc polo fault recall

Some were education related:
- yale berkeley "bishop o'dowd" marsha
- difficult scoring test OR exam "catholic high school entrance"

Oddly enough, a few of them were Tiger Shulman related...

And the rest were just plain odd (especially the last!):
- reality
- utah horse adventures d&d
- timmy s. still
- Shaved by my husband and proud of it

Oh and thanks to shoelover who reassured me that 25 pairs is not a lot of shoes. I'll inform the husband.

Friday, November 24, 2006

How can 25 pairs of shoes not be enough?

It's getting cold here in the bay area. (And it was colder last week in Santa Fe.) It reminded me that I need new shoes. Most of the shoes I own are sandals (shown below).

These are all the "closed toe" shoes I own.


Two pairs hiking shoes. Two black, high-heeled ankle boots. Two black ballet slippers. Two black medium-heeled loafers. Two non-black flat-heeled loafers. (The fact that I have two of each seems redundant.)

Not pictured above: one pair running shoes, one pair cycling shoes, three pairs of flip-flops. Oh, and one pair of ski boots... but those hardly count.

As I was taking these pictures, I was reminded of an interesting article I read recently. It's a profile of Kate Bingaman-Burt, a designer, advertising art director and artist. Her interest in customers' purchasing choices led to a project she called Obsessive Consumption, which involved documenting all of her purchases and collecting the images on a Web site.

I love making lists and organizing my things. I like to see what I own - to see if there are things I need or things I can get rid of. It calms me and makes me feel like I have all my thoughts straight in my head. I used to think this was a bad thing... that it took up too much of my time. Until my doctor pointed something out.

"Imagine what you'd feel like if you didn't make all those lists." He said. As far as coping mechanisms go... it's far less destructive (or addictive) than other forms stress relief.

Forget architecture, forget tutoring. My true calling in life is to be a professional organizer.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

In (ve) stigation: To dig.

Today, one of my students was confusing two vocabulary words. He meant "investigate" but he kept saying "instigate." I was trying to explain the differences.


Then when I got home, my husband and I talked some more about our visit with my parents. I started thinking; this is what we do when we get back from visiting them… we conduct an investigation into my parents instigations. We compare notes: What did they say to you? Did they bother you? Did they give you a hard time about anything? Are you OK? Did they provoke you?

But this visit was so brief… I didn’t think was anything much to discuss.

Oh… I was wrong. There’s always something to discuss. This evening, my husband filled me in on a conversation he had with my parents. There was one hour on Sunday when I was out of the house (I went for a swim) and that’s when this conversation happened.

My parents were asking my husband how I was doing. At least, that’s what they said. But it was just another typically weird conversation, my husband said. There were three weird things about it:

1. It seemed like my parents’ real motivation in asking about my mental health was to figure out how it would affect them.

2. They asked him about what I’m getting from reading the old records I ordered. (my records from my hospitalization at age 15) My husband said that it seemed like my parents wanted to chalk the whole incident up to me being a difficult and defiant teen.

3. My mom commented AGAIN on how “grown-up” I seemed during her visit last month. She said that I talked less about my illness and seemed more focused on her well-being.

My husband's theory is that my mom resents me. A lot. Basically, when I was born up, I stole all the attention away from her. Especially my father’s attention. (He and I get along a lot better than the two of them do.) So when I get sick, she gets annoyed because I steal even more attention away from her. To her, my illness means I’m immature and childish.

I know this sounds a little harsh. I know there’s a lot of alternate explanations for my parents’ behavior. Maybe they really care about my health, you might be thinking. Sometimes I feel guilty for even thinking these things about my mom.

That’s the REALLY difficult part.

My mom rarely says anything really overtly mean… (although when her back is up against a wall, she says the most venomous things!) All her “concerned” comments can usually be interpreted in a variety of ways. It’s more the WAY she says these things. There’s NEVER any real feeling or emotion behind what she says.

So what my husband says… it feels right. He also said this:

“The reality is,” My husband said. “You’ve been grown up for a long time. And you’ve always been a considerate person.”

But what a mind fuck… to have your own parent always trying to convince you of the opposite. It's what causes Borderline Personality Disorder.

By the way, here's the differences between the words (I like looking up the history of words. I find the origins tell you more than the definitions!)

Instigate
1. to cause by incitement; foment: to instigate a quarrel.
2. to urge, provoke, or incite to some action or course.

from the latin: "instīgātus or instīgāre": to goad on, impel
the root of the word is "stīg": to goad, prick, dig (simmilar to stigma or stick)

Investigate
1. to examine, study, or inquire into systematically; search or examine into the particulars of; examine in detail.
2. to search out and examine the particulars of in an attempt to learn the facts about something hidden, unique, or complex, esp. in an attempt to find a motive, cause, or culprit: The police are investigating the murder.

from the latin: "investīgātus or investīgāre": to follow a trail, search out, dig.
the root of the word is "vestig or vestigium": footprint, token, trace, hint

Monday, November 20, 2006

Oh right. Reality.

We got back from NM this afternoon.

We actually had a pretty nice visit. My parents were only there for the last day… that helped. (We were there to house and pet-sit for the last week of their three-week vacation.)

Today was a little depressing though. It was hard to come back from vacation right when everyone else’s week off was just starting. There were tons of families in the airport… of course there were lots of babies and pregnant women, strategically planted to torture me.

Aaaaand now it’s back to reality. Back to our “crap shack” of an apartment. No radiant floor heating, no king-sized bed, no dishwasher, and no avoiding work any more.

One weird thing happened with my parents…

When I called my mom tonight to let her know we got back safely, she kept commenting on how “grown-up” my husband and I had seemed. Uh, I guess… On Saturday I picked them up at the airport while my husband stayed home and got dinner ready. They acted impressed. What did they think… that we aren’t old enough to remember to eat dinner?

Then yesterday, we had a “pretend Thanksgiving.” I spent most of the day puttering around the kitchen preparing various dishes – just taking my time so we wouldn’t get stressed out. (Neither my mom nor I usually prepare a full Thanksgiving dinner.) Later in the afternoon I went for a swim at the spa and then my dad and I took the dog for a walk. All normal behavior for a 32-year-old adult.

It’s reminded me of my mom’s visit in October. She was sick and seemed so impressed that I was kind to her and looked after her health. Part of me is happy that she’s pleased with me. Part of me feels a little insulted… like she expects me to be an irresponsible childish fool. And part of me just feels sad that she doesn’t seem to know me very well.

Besides, how could I be an adult in their eyes? In their eyes, adults are people with houses and financial security. These are the same people that claim they don't live in a mansion.

"But Juniper, the main house is barely 5,000 square feet!" My father recently said.

"Uh, dad, anytime you can use the phrase "the main house," you're dealing with a mansion."

It's no wonder I go through a reality shock when I come back from visiting them...!

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Madame Ambassador & Dr. Curly Fries

Sooo... I'm doing a bit better than I was when I wrote Monday's post. I don't even think I've cried since Tuesday morning.

Yeah, I basically cried in front of my boss. Well, I didn't let him see actual tears or anything, but my eyes were all watery and my voice was all trembly and ugh.

Here's what happened. Monday night, I all but promised my husband that I'd quit the manager part of the job and tell my boss that I just wanted to be a tutor. But I didn't feel good about this decision. Usually, when I make a decision like that, I feel some sense of relief. But not this time. It felt a bit too... abrupt.

So Tuesday morning, my boss and I met for coffee before our normal 9am staff meeting. I told him the same things that I said on the phone the day before. I want to keep the job. But the job's open-ended never-ending projects make me stress. Stress is really not good for me and exacerbates my mental illness. (he knows that I have one... just not the gory details.) I told him my doc and my husband are both telling me to slow down.

He said that he wants to keep me. That he's happy with my job performance so far. And he'd been thinking about ways to cut back on the stressful aspects of the job. Then, he tried to have a conversation with me about how to do this. This is the point at which I got all emotional and incapable of reason, thought or coherent speech.

"I may not be able to trouble shoot with you today." I said. "I'm sorry... it's incredibly frustrating, but my symptoms have really been acting up lately." I think I worded that reasonably well. "symptoms." Labile and extreme emotions are symptoms of my mental illness. (They're also symptoms of weak little girly-girls... yeah, I'm a strong working woman... sigh.) Of course, I left the door open wide enough so that the poor guy could think that my symptoms are visual hallucinations or hearing voices or thinking I'm Jesus. (well that last one could be true. My birthday is Christmas eve...)

I also asked him for a little more clarification about my job as "team manager."

"Basically, I don't have a clear description for that." He said. "Just thinking about ways to make the team better, really. Even this conversation is kinda doing that. I know other people on the team have some simmilar concerns. [Our business manager] has told me that this job is contributing to her insomnia." (ok, that's kinda nice to hear that i'm not alone in this, but seriously, I think the business manager works 10x more than me!)

"Well, that's good to know, because up until now, I've kind of assumed that being team leader meant that I was supposed to make sure everything got done... by me. You know, that makes me feel a lot better because pointing out ways to improve employee/customer satisfaction is certainly something that I know is a strength of mine. In fact, I think the ability to tune into what's going on with my students is what makes me a good tutor. It's a good and bad part of being highly sensitive. Perhaps I'm sort of a canary in the coalmine."

So we agreed that he'd think of ways to narrow and tighten up my job description and I'd take a little time off this week and think about how i'd like to proceed. (I needed the mental health sick day but I told him this partially because i'm in NM housesitting for my parents and I know i'm be less productive out here.)

Anyway, it looks like I'm keeping my job for the meantime. I'm going to try to keep this job in perspective and not be so hard on myself when something doesn't go 100% according to plan. And I'm going to try to keep my personal life and work life (thoughts included) from bleeding over into each other. I don't know if that's totally do-able, but it's a goal. At least I got some positive feedback about my performance.

And... there's one more benefit from this conversation.

My boss is employing someone with a severe mental health disability. He's learning what that means and I got the opportunity (at least I tried to) stick up for myself and try to ask for what I need. Yes, I came off as weak and vulnerable, but frankly, (no matter what my father taught me) employers hire human beings and not robots. If I have to have this freakin' disease, at least I can be a good and responsible ambassador from planet crazy.

I'm really thankful I have a good boss who's willing to deal with my special needs.

PS. my husband is now (in his own words) "bigger than curly fries." For the 1,000th time honey... I am 2% jealous, 98% proud and 0% resentful.

Monday, November 13, 2006

employment - (self-esteem)no medication = negative sanity

I'm SO sick of crying.

It feels like I've cried almost every day this past week. I cried last Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday (twice), Friday, and again today (three times).

Oh yeah, and I have no attention span or ability to concentrate. Those things have been replaced by an overwhelming desire to sleep as much as possible.

Why am I crying so much, you may ask? Why the avoidant behavior?

Oh... it's my job. My stinkin' 30-hour a week, part-time, not-so-hard job that I find overwhelming.

So tomorrow morning, I'm meeting with my boss. I'm going to tell him that I can't continue in my managerial position and I want to go back to just being a tutor.

I could go into all the details about why I find the job overwhelming... I could explain why this job is harder for me because of my diagnosis... how the company's new and thus a bit disorganized... how I'm a bit of a perfectionist...

BUT...

None of it would be explanation enough for me. I could cry 100 more days in a row and I'd still think I was a failure because I couldn't handle this job.

I know a job isn't a measure of my worth, damn it... it sure feels like it sometime.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Sunday Book Review


The Gatekeepers
by Jacques Steinberg

I read this book on our Mexican cruise and found it fascinating. Steinberg, a NY Times reporter, shadows an admissions officer at Wesleyan University for a year.

Steinberg gives an in depth look at how the school's admissions committee takes grades, test scores, essays, extracurricular activities and race into account as they pick 700 students for the class of 2004 from nearly 7,000 applicants.

Since I seem to have no attention span tonight, see Steinberg's website for more detailed reviews.

Oh, and just for fun, I thought I'd list all the searches this month that led people to this blog:

Some of them have are Simpsons related:
* homer go crazy
* homer feelin fine
* simpsons duff gardens spoiled sandwich
* homer simpson my pockets hurt
* simpsons my pockets hurt homer

Some of them are health related:
* using proactiv when pregnant
* can you take darvaset while pregnant
* why do pimples hurt
* dbt sobriety workbook
* dissociative identity disorder
* dbt
* health net

And the rest??
* Palo Alto hills
* rochester NY
* living in ireland friends
* proctoring exams jobs philadelphia PA
* standardized test benefits
* skinny dip
* college fuck (c'mon... how many blogs do you think THAT turned up?)

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Even us atheists need a day of rest

We had a nice day today… and I feel slightly better on a variety of fronts.

After I managed to haul myself out of bed at 11am. (I seem to spending an inordinate amount of time sleeping this month) I spent (what little was left of) the morning reading Taking Charge of Your Fertility. I think I’m starting to figure out how to get pregnant. Although I knew there was a short window of opportunity, I never quite realized HOW short. I started charting my basal body temperature this month, so hopefully I’ll be figuring out what the problem has been so far. So I’m feeling less anxious about that.

After a leisurely mid-day shower, my husband and I walked over to a local pub for some brick-oven pizzas. There’s a newsstand with copies of “The Onion” right outside – we like to read the wise-ass columns while we wait for our orders. Then we went for a long walk around town. Down the hill, we had a clear view of the bay. It was a nice day… crisp and autumnal after last night’s rain. I’d been feeling like a lump after sleeping so much, so it made me feel good to get some air and exercise.

When we got home, I spent a long while looking for Christmas gifts online. I’ve been stressed out about Christmas this year. Most years, I try to get all my shopping done by December 1st so I don’t feel too panicked later in the month. But this year, I’ve had a hard time getting started; I didn’t have any ideas for gifts and everything I could think of was too expensive.

And it seems silly to buy presents for my husband or myself now - in six months we’ll be moving and hopefully buying things for a new home and a baby. And my parents are wealthy and buy whatever they want or need. Frankly, I was hoping to be pregnant by now – hoping that would be present enough for the four of us. But tonight, I think I finally started some ideas for good and affordable presents. So I feel better about that.

And then I made us a nice salad with homemade croutons and vinaigrette for dinner. So I felt like I’d earned my wifely merit badge for the evening.

Tomorrow, I’ll read the paper and clean the house a bit. I’ve got two tutoring clients in the afternoon and then maybe I’ll drop by some stores and do a little preliminary shopping for my eight (EIGHT!) nieces and nephews. But I’ll have to rest up because next week’s going to be big…

On Tuesday, we’re flying out to house/dog/cat sit at my parent’s house. It’ll be 1/3 work (we both have to bring work with us), 1/3 worry (that we’re going to break the house/dog/cat) and 1/3 vacation (the house is like a luxury hotel). On Saturday, my parents come home and we commence 24 hours together. Eesh.

Then, on Wednesday, my husband’s VERY BIG RESEARCH PAPER is being published. For those of you who know his name, Google him later in the week and you’ll see… There should be a fair amount of media attention. I’m extremely proud and wish I could brag more…


Angry grey pajama man's taking a break too.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

What have I done...? Approximately 40%


There’s a meme going around… wish I could remember where I saw this. But when I saw it, I thought it was interesting and copied it down.

Here’s what I’ve done (in bold). What have you done?

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain (I think a 7000' mountain in CA's Trinity Alps counts)
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula (my friend's. named "muffin")
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said "I love you" and meant it (Every day)
09. Hugged a tree
10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris (including Jim Morrison's grave & Euro Disney)
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea - from the shore
13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise (in beautiful Truro, MA. I was suicidal at the time... thinking about walking in to the ocean)
14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game (I think baseball counts)
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa (been there, but the stairs were closed by then)
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables (my childhood of forced labor)
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars (many a night)
20. Changed a baby's diaper (thanks Jonas)
21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
22. Watched a meteor shower (a couple weeks ago on our cruise)
23. Gotten drunk on champagne (a lot)
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope (husband owns one)
26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment (I used to be notorious for it)
27. Had a food fight
28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight (ah, college in upstate NY)
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can (in high school. In front of a building that looked like the word fuck)
32. Held a lamb (thanks 4-H)
33. Seen a total eclipse (standing next to poet A.R. Ammons)
34. Ridden a roller coaster
35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day (does sign language count?)
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment (amazing but true. Happened just this evening in fact)
39. Had two hard drives for your computer
40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk (all I'm gonna say is that I came out of the bathroom and my husband was standing on his dresser...)
42. Had amazing friends (see links to Anonymous Mom, Betty and GirlMD)
43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign
46. Backpacked in Europe (here's a tip... when sleeping on trains, cough like you have TB to get a compartment all to yourself)
47. Taken a road-trip (3 weeks to cross the US in 1999)
48. Gone rock climbing (used to teach it)
49. Midnight walk on the beach (ah, summer camp)
50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland (twice!)
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love (thanks Lawrence)
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow (again, 4-H)
56. Alphabetized your CDs
57. Pretended to be a superhero
58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football
61. Gone scuba diving (50' down in the Bahamas)
62. Kissed in the rain
63. Played in the mud (after skinny dipping. Should've done that first)
64. Played in the rain
65. Gone to a drive-in theater
66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business (twice this year!)
68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken (thanks husband)
69. Toured ancient sites (uh, I have a BS in architectural history)
70. Taken a martial arts class (at Tiger Shulman's Karate in NYC, no less)
71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
72. Gotten married
73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days
77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River
82. Been on television news programs as an "expert"
83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage (with various choirs)
85. Been to Las Vegas (and got kicked out of my hotel... not as interesting as it sounds)
86. Recorded music (not professionally or anything...)
87. Eaten shark
88. Kissed on the first date (gotta love summer camp)
89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house
91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship (twice)
94. Spoken more than one language fluently well enough to have a decent conversation (French)
95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country (just went mountain biking in Mexico. Trust me, it felt exotic)
100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over (moved to CA in 2000)
101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived (long. story.)
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost over 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback (I go to a LOT of support groups)
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray
110. Broken someone's heart (or at least that's what Dan said)
111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone (skiier's thumb in 2004)
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol (used to teach riflery)
117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse (much to my itchy dismay, our neighbors used to have one)
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi (I ask for it every year on my birthday)
128. Had your picture in the newspaper (uh, graduation & wedding announcements)
129. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about (spreading the word about rights for the mentally ill)
130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Touched a cockroach (thanks NYC)
133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad
135. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read everything he'd written (Vonnegut)
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating (lobsters)
137. Skipped all your school reunions
138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language (thanks NYC)
139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream (back in the days of architecture)
142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts
144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ
148. Shaved your head
149. Caused a car accident
150. Saved someone's life

Yeah, I would've thought I'd have alphabetized my CD's too... But I tend to organize by genre.

Postscript: I had to think about #123... For the record, I haven't visited more foreign countries than U.S. states. Here's where I've gone:

Countries:
1. Austria
2. The Bahamas
3. Belgium
4. Bermuda
5. Canada
6. Czech Republic
7. France
8. Germany
9. Greece
10. Republic of Ireland
11. Italy
12. Liechtenstein
13. Luxembourg
14. Mexico
15. Monaco
16. Netherlands
17. Spain
18. Switzerland
19. United Kingdom
20. United States United States
21. Vatican City

States:
1. Alaska
2. Arizona
3. California
4. Colorado
5. Connecticut
6. Delaware
7. Florida
8. Georgia
9. Idaho
10. Illinois
11. Indiana
12. Maine
13. Maryland
14. Massachusetts
15. Minnesota
16. Missouri
17. Montana
18. Nevada
19. New Hampshire
20. New Jersey
21. New Mexico
22. New York
23. North Carolina
24. Ohio
25. Oregon
26. Pennsylvania
27. Rhode Island
28. South Carolina
29. South Dakota
30. Utah
31. Vermont
32. Virginia
33. Washington
34. Wisconsin
35. Wyoming

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

the continuing saga of angry grey pajama man

It's no wonder angry grey pajama man (see yesterday's post) is unhappy...


Apparently, he has a lot of work-related stress...


And it seems that he's a heavy drinker...


Oh, and did I mention... he's an architect.


Must be why he can't afford clothes...

Monday, November 06, 2006

Leavin’ in a Jet… ta


My apologies to John Denver...

So she’s really gone now… my friend, Betty, that is. She moved back to her home state about a month ago but it didn’t really feel official until today. First, I was busy with my mom’s visit and then we were on vacation. Then last week, she was back in town to pack up the rest of her stuff and say goodbye. At times, it felt a little like she’d never left… we had lunch after my psychiatrist appointment on Thursday, like we always do. Then this weekend, we went to her at her barbecue/farewell party. Today, she started driving her Jetta back to her home state. I don’t know when I’ll see her next.

I have a lot of feelings about this. It makes me very… emotional. And I’m not real sure which emotion I’m going to feel from one minute to the next. Sometimes I feel sad, sometimes I feel angry, sometimes I feel bitter. (Ok, bitter’s just a different type of angry. I guess sad and angry are my two predominant emotions.)

Some recent history: Betty’s been going through a period of transition for the last few months. Her funding ran out at her old job so she was looking for a new job and trying to decide if she should stay in the bay area or move back to her home state. I think I always knew she’d end up back in her home state, but I held onto the hope that she’d find a wonderful new job here.

In September, things got decidedly harder. She hadn’t found a job yet so she had to give up her apartment and stay with friends. She came and stayed with us for a weekend. The night she arrived, she told us that she’d decided what she was going to do on the drive to our house. She was going to move back to her home state and substitute teach while she kept looking for work.

Part of me was really looking forward to having the weekend to hang out with her… but another part of me just wanted to ignore her for the rest of her stay. It was like, now that she’s decided to go, maybe it would be easier if I just stopped communicating with her. It would be like we’d never even been friends.

Sooo… I have this bad habit, this bizarre need to turn relationships on and off like a switch. I had this same urge earlier this summer when I had a fight with my psychiatrist. Even though he’s been a huge part of my recovery, I was ready to ditch him. My first thoughts were to walk away and never talk to him again. But this style of coping is not the greatest, especially after someone has played an important role in my life like Betty and my doctor have.

So I’m fighting it. I’ve stayed in contact with Betty. We email and blog and we even talked on the phone for over an hour two weeks ago. And I went to the barbecue on Saturday, even though it was hard to get myself there. (I complained a lot on the way there about random, inconsequential things.) Sometimes, it feels like it would be easier to just compartmentalize that part of my life that included her to excise it or wall it off from my current reality. But I’m learning that by doing that, I wall off a part of my own experience and my sense of self becomes just a little more fragmented.

Postscript: as you may have noticed from the above image, I signed up for a free clipart download service. (I needed an image for a worksheet I was making for work.) Anyway, I searched for images with the keyword "sad." I got the above image. I also got the following image:

Uh... yeah, he looks "sad." For some odd reason, this cracked me up. There were a lot of similar images from this artist. Look for the upcoming adventures of angry-grey-pajama-man.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Anything but nutmegs.


Talked to my husband last night. He's in the middle of applying for academic jobs. Here's the current list of places we might be living next year (although, we could move as soon as June!)

1. Seattle, WA (pros: close to skiing, we have some friends there. cons: lack of sunlight)

2. Bay Area, CA (pros: we already live here and lots of friends and connections. cons: very expensive)

3. San Diego, CA (pros: beautiful place. cons: frequently hot)

4. Los Angeles Area (pros: I can learn to surf! cons: lack of fresh air)

5. Boulder, CO (pros: close to great skiing! cons: we don't know a single person there.)

6. Salt Lake City, Utah (same as CO)

7. Austin, TX (pros: closer to NM where my parents live - they can be grandparents and not be down the street. cons: kids can get electrocuted for jaywalking. Right? Isn't that how TX works?)

8. Baltimore, MD (pros: cheaper part of the country. cons: crazy relatives live there.)

9. Raleigh, NC (pros: we have a good friend nearby and very pretty country. cons: it's the south and we're native New Yorkers - would that work?)

10. Ann Arbor, MI (pros: very liberal. cons: very cold.)

11. Pittsburgh, PA (pros: supposed to be a cool place to live. cons: dangerously close to the midwest.)

12. Rochester, NY (pros: we could afford a mansion. cons: we used to live in upstate NY and after five years, it made us cry)

13. Cambridge, MA (pros: we know people there and close to skiing and Nantucket! cons: lived in Connecticut for 17 years and I'm SO over New England.)

14. New York, NY (pros: our hometown chock full of friends and relatives. cons: not so close to outdoors activities.)

15. New Haven, CT (pros: ummmm, I'm sure they must exist... cons: New. Haven. Connecticut.)

16. Philadelphia, PA (pros: close to NYC. cons: close to crazy relatives in MD.)

SO.

Just in case my husband is reading, I want to make it know that I am actually LOOKING FORWARD to this upcoming adventure. And (despite the crack I made last night about Texas) I am finding good and bad things about each and every place we could live.

Well, except for New Haven. I don't know about that.