How I SHOULD'VE explained entropy to my student this afternoon

Sometimes, I feel as if I’ll never live up to my earlier self – that I’ll never be as good as I was when I was younger. Specifically, my high school self. Don’t get me wrong… I’m not trying to glorify high school. Far from it. I was ill a lot in high school (there’s an understatement…). And I still lived at home, which was miserable. I was stressed out and irritated and frequently difficult to spend time with. It was a period of my life when I made everything a dramatic crisis. When I graduated, I felt fortunate to have survived those four years. Prep school put me through the wringer.

But ever since then, I’ve wanted to get back to the sense of perfection I created while I was there. There was something so… balanced to my high school experience. Parts of the day were spent discussing science, math, literature, history and foreign language. In my spare time, I’d go hang out in the book stacks and pick through the school’s collection. I was well read (for someone my age). I kept a journal and wrote and even published pieces in the school’s literary magazine.

In the summers, I took care of children. I taught canoing, windsurfing, art, swimming, rock climbing, cycling and team building. I was a lifeguard. I was BLOND and even a little tan. Back at school, we walked miles around campus in the New England air and after school there were mandatory hours of exercise. I was in GOOD shape (and of course, didn’t realize it). And then, in the evenings, there was little time for TV. I still took piano lessons and practiced an hour a day. I performed in two choirs and took classes in music theory. I sang a lot. I had solos in front of orchestras. I sang with Dave Brubeck for God’s sake. And on the nights when I wasn’t practicing or performing, there were lectures and concerts and plays to watch. I even went to the symphony with my parents.

Yet, as heady and educational as college is supposed to be, your focus inevitably narrows. I purposefully pursued a liberal arts degree so I could keep taking classes in a variety of fields. But most of my time was spent reading literature and architectural history. I kept writing. But after a while, the singing faded away. I volunteered and learned about popular culture but the daily swimming workouts faded. I went to lectures and readings but I also stayed home and watched a lot more TV.

Graduate school was three years hunched over a drafting table, drawing and making models. Lots of art, but any free time was spent building my relationship with my husband. There was less and less time for reading, concerts, piano and the like. And now that I’ve been out of school for 6 years there’s even less time and money for these things. There are dishes and dinner and laundry and work and yes, my constant obsession with TV.

On New Year’s Day, we went to see The History Boys. It’s a film adaptation of a play about a British grammar school. What struck me was how well rounded the student’s education seemed. These boys don’t just quote literature and history but also debate it and relate the topics to their own lives. And the music! They sing beautifully. I walked out of the movie thinking a lot about high school. About how good my education was and how much I value it. How much I’d like to give that to my students. Most of the high school students I work with are given just a brief taste of each discipline. They might play an instrument, but usually they’ve abandoned it by that point. Even though my high school experience was hellish (as we’d say in our 80’s vernacular) it was a wonderful time of intellectual privilege.

I wish there was some way to create that in my adult life. I try. But I spend most of my time beating myself up over it – comparing myself to others. Here’s my current inventory:

• Language: Right now, I finish a good book about once a month. Not bad, not great. I still write (here, of course) and over the last couple of years I’ve finished the first draft of a book.
  
  
• Music: I still play the piano but I don’t practice every day. I did in 2003 when I was in the residential treatment program and miss it. I’m currently trying to learn my favorite Mozart sonata. I joined an orchestral choir a few years ago but I only stayed for two years. I think a lot about taking it up again. I think it might be cool to sing in a choir while pregnant. The kid might like that…
  
• Art: Abandoned with my architecture career. In NM though, I got some ideas for some new paintings…
  

• Culture: When we move this summer, I’d like to start going back to live performances, lectures, and readings. Right now, we don’t do much. Sigh.
  

• Science: I’m married to a scientist and we watch a lot of nerdy programs on TV. It should be enough for a layperson… but when I try, and fail, to teach chemistry or physics, I feel like a loser.

• Math: I teach math every day but I can’t remember calculus. I suck.

• Social Sciences: I used to read a lot of the New York Times every day. Now I read some of it on some days. Did I mention that I suck?

• Fitness: A couple years ago I got back into cycling quite a bit, but that’s since lapsed. I try to swim once a week and we hike and paddle on occasion. We ski whenever we have the time and can afford to.

There’s a flip side to this… perhaps tomorrow I’ll tackle that. Right now, it’s time bedtime. I read old comic books over and over again to get to sleep. Sometimes, when I look over and see my husband reading a thick book I feel like a bimbo. Still, better to be a bimbo than an insomniac.