Back on dry land

So… there was a lot of booze on that cruise.

There were numerous opportunities to drink every day:
• Wandering waiters selling the “drink of the day.” (Has anyone ever heard of a “Miami Vice?” According to Absolut, it exists.)
• Five or six bars throughout the ship.
• Wine, cocktails and shots offered throughout dinner.
• Jugs of hard liquor and free “tastings” in the onboard duty-free shops.
• Roving waitresses in the casino and theatre.
• All the open-air bars and carousing in Mexico.
• All the passengers wandering around with buckets of Coronas, cans of Coors, or those new metallic Budweiser bottles.

I wasn’t exactly shocked. A couple of years ago we took an Alaskan cruise to celebrate our second anniversary. I’d only been out of the hospital for six months and a cruise seemed easy, like something I could handle.

That boat was awash in alcohol too. I was particularly tortured by the free samples of vodka sat unguarded in the gift shop. I kept thinking about how I could just grab one. Nobody would care… well, except for my husband.

One dark, clear night I stood by the rail watching the glaciers slip by the boat. At that point I’d only been sober six months and I wasn’t really sold on sobriety. More than that, I still didn’t really care if I lived or died. I just didn’t want to hurt my husband anymore. I knew if it wasn’t for his influence, I’ve been wasted five seconds after stepping on board.

At that moment, I knew that wasn’t good enough. I couldn’t keep using him for as my only motivation. The thought made my limbs feel leaden and tired. Eventually, I was going to have to care. The only way I was going to stay sober was if I actually WANTED to be sober.

I’ve had a hard time accepting my alcoholism. I knew I had a mental illness since I was a kid. I’ve had a LONG time to get used to the idea. I never, in my wildest dreams, thought I’d grow up to be an alcoholic. It’s a title/diagnosis/shame I have a hard time associating with myself.

Well, it’s been over three years between that cruise and the one last week.

In the interim, I’ve had three brief relapses where I’ve had a drink or two… but no big or permanent falls. And that realization I made on the Alaskan cruise has never been far from my mind. I made it a goal to WANT to be sober. Yet… I could never quite get there. Every time I saw booze, I wanted it. Bad.

But… last week’s cruise was a bit better. There was just as much alcohol and most of the time I really wanted to drink it. But there was something about watching people get drunk, day after day. Watching them bake in the sun, unable to do anything but hoot and bray like bloated animals. Not surprisingly, drinking didn’t seem appealing.

For the first time in… maybe forever, I could imagine myself just having ONE glass of wine with dinner. Or enjoying ONE measure of scotch to celebrate on a special occasion. I could actually conceive of myself drinking in moderation… something I’ve NEVER been able to do before. I used to just try to drink as much as possible in whatever time I had available.

Don’t get me wrong… I’m not saying that this is going to happen any time soon. First, I have to get pregnant (hopefully a couple of times). Then I need a couple more years of sobriety under my belt. I need to see if I can make it without medications.

Still.

It was nice to feel what it would be like… not to be controlled by alcohol.


How could I forget - Vacation pictures:


The Coast Guard doing figure 8's for applause. Your tax dollars at work.


Mazatlan. Just looking at this picture makes me want to sweat.


More Mazatlan. No shade in sight.