It's only a matter of time until I complain...

I’m trying my best to keep my new job in perspective – but it’s hard. I'm never convinced I'm going a good enough job.

--- --- --- ---

I’m only supposed to be working 30 hours a week. (And for once, I’m actually doing pretty good at not working more than that.) During the afternoon hours, I’m usually out tutoring students one-on-one in their homes. I like most of my students, but there are stressful parts:

- Driving during rush hour. (The only time kids want tutoring)
- When I see the kids’ homework and realize I’m not familiar with the material. I’ve got returning students this year who need help with pre-calc, physics and chemistry. NOT my specialties. What happened to my beloved algebra?
- The quality time I have to spend with my Chemistry for Dummies and Cliff Notes when I get home so I don’t feel like a dumb ass.

In the morning hours I work on managerial tasks related to running the tutoring company I work for. Lately, I’ve been interviewing a lot of prospective tutors and managers – not the most pleasant task for me. During these interviews I have to concentrate on what I’m doing, what the other person is saying and the little voice in my head that tells me I’m doing a shitty job. Usually it sounds something like this:

“Why did you ask that question? Don’t you know what you’re doing? This person must think I’m an idiot. You don’t anything about this company yet and you’re interviewing people!? It’s only a matter of time until someone complains about your shitty performance, you realize.”

But now that a few weeks have passed, I’m starting to get my feet under me. I’m starting to feel like I know what I’m talking about a bit more. But I’ve managed to work through the backlog of resumes so… I have to take on new tasks. Tasks I haven’t mastered yet. Here comes that little voice again…

--- --- --- ---

So yesterday in DBT, the therapist asked us if we liked the three minutes of meditation at the beginning of the group with or without music.

“I hate them equally, I said.” She wanted to know why. Because, I said, any time I have to be alone with my thoughts, this is what I hear:

“Why can’t you just write the damn email? What are you procrastinating about? This isn’t rocket science, you know! I can’t believe you left such an idiotic message on that client’s voicemail. It’s only a matter of time until someone complains about your shitty performance, you realize.”

At least the voice is predictable.