Sunday Book Review

(alternate title: books in my library that are more than 60% underlined or highlighted and thus 10% heavier than their weight at purchase)

First in a series!



Trapped in the Mirror
by Elan Golomb
Published by Harper Paperbacks in 1995

This is the book that helped me to understand my parents.

Everyone’s parents can be annoying sometimes but I could never explain why mine bothered me so much. Dad was successful at work so surely, he couldn’t be THAT bad? I’d seen him be charming - just not at home. I’d always wanted to put my family on display. I’d quiz my friends when they slept over, hinted around to neighbors - anything to get a stranger’s point of view. Was my family bizarre, or was I blowing everything out of proportion? When I got married, I started to see their strange moral relativism through fresh eyes.

Life with my parents felt like a very long game of capture the flag. There were rules and sides to choose. You were either in the club or you were an outsider. My parents were on one side of the field and the rest of the world was on the other. In the game of capturing their love I was idealized or devalued. The only choices were to be wonderful or horrible. I had no right no make my own rules.

I knew my dad loved me but his love had an exploitative, exhibitionist quality to it. HE liked making showy gestures, oblivious to what I thought or needed. HIS needs blinded him to my boredom, exhaustion, or resentment. HE hated my autonomy and preferred manipulation, conformity and control. My talents and failures were an extension of HIM. Because we were so similar, he demanded even more. I supposed to obediently model his values and mirror him like a god. To preserve HIS self-image of perfection, entitlement, and superiority I had silently agreed that HE always knew best.

He felt unlovable and defective so he corrected me, not himself. Warning me about potential dire outcomes, he assuaged his own fears. My outside interests were attacked and demolished. Any separateness or difference was a sign of my disloyalty or insensitivity. He would become as angry as if his limb had failed. All his criticism, demands, and unsolicited advice were merely to improve me, he said. He knew what spots were sore because he created them.

The more insular I became, the more destructive the situation became. But wasn’t love always contingent on things being a certain way? Weren’t all families like that? It had to be my fault. So I controlled myself. I controlled myself so tightly that I was left with no humanity, inner self, substance, or worth. This constant focus on my faults left me paralyzed, unable to care for myself.

Warning! Becoming trapped in the mirror can lead to Borderline Personality Disorder, as described in Lost in the Mirror by Richard Moskovitz. I suggest blowing bubbles to help you determine which way is up...