Sunday Book Re-do

Update: My husband just read the previous post and suggested that it was less of a review and more of a “rant about how I hate my parents.” He had a point (a point I would’ve taken a bit more gracefully had he not followed with this statement: “You should listen to me. I’m usually right.” His brand of humor…) So here goes:

Elan Golomb is a graduate of Bennington College who earned her Ph.D. in clinical psychology and her certificate in psychoanalysis and psychotherapy from NYU. She has been in private practice in New York since 1972. In this book, she explores the long-term damage narcissistic parents can do to their children.

Golomb argues that narcissists have a poor self-image but are in denial. Not in touch with their feelings, they inflate themselves, turning into figures of grandeur surrounded by walls, impervious to feared criticism and doubts. Behind this elaborate persona or mask there is nothing and thus the narcissist needs an appreciative audience to support their delusion.

Narcissists behave as if they are the center of the universe, imposing unrealistic standards on those around them. As a result, their families are organized to deny their negative feelings. To maintain this superiority, Golomb argues, a narcissist’s family cannot voice opposing opinions. Their mate is typically submissive and attempts to raise their low self-esteem by merging their ego with their spouse’s greatness.

The children mold themselves into whatever image the narcissist has projected on them. Sometimes the child becomes a wonderful, idealized extension. But when the child is bad, the narcissist can only see the things about themselves they hate. Trained to obediently express their parent’s values, the child is agreeable, outwardly free of malice but seething with internal rage. One case study states that she had to be on brink of insanity before family could see that there was anything wrong. Subject to such constant evaluation, the child feels they must act a certain way to be loved.

Golomb uses examples from her own life and those of her patients to illustrate how this emptiness leads to feelings of falseness that may become emotionally disabilities in adulthood. She believes that an adult child of a narcissist has no support for their inner self, no sense of substance or worth. This void paralyzes any motivation, autonomy, performance, and relationships. It can lead to physical self-hatred, self-destructive behavior and a general sense that they do not have the right to exist. Under stress, these tendencies can develop into pathology and be passed down to the next generation.

Ultimately, Golomb recommends psychoanalytic psychotherapy to combat the codependency of narcissism. She argues that therapists must gently show narcissists how their behavior effects others. For the children of narcissists, therapy can be a forum for them to acknowledge and overcome the anger they have hidden for so long.